Visa versa

I often wonder what does my alienated child remember me as? Does she have any memory of me at all? Is it wrapped and twisted by the lies she’s been feed?

I wonder if she ever thinks of me like I think of her, grieving at the loss and wishing there was anything I could do to bring her back to me. Unlikely. Though no fault of her own she hasn’t seen me for over half her life so the thought she even remembers what I look like even seems wishful. In truth I often forget what she looks like, until I see pictures, most likely as my heads way of trying to cope with her loss but all the same it’s memories I want to keep.

She’s been told to hate me for a long time, and as a child she will always listen to what she’s told. If you tell a little girl the sky is green for long enough and keep repeating that message she will think the sky is green. Like so many other alienated parents its so frustrating to watch this happen and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. Just sit back and watch your child who you once shared an unbreakable bond with, grow to hate and resent you.

She has her new life with her new family, and from everything I hear is happy without me, which I suppose is something at least. Meanwhile I’m stuck in an endless time loop of waiting for the day she seeks to see for herself but grieving her loss every day until then.