As many fathers will experience I am now on the other side of the battle to be a father to my child. Naturally my initial reaction, as is most dads, when they realise they’ve lost is one of anger at the system, depression at the new reality and denial that any of its true. I’ve spoken before about the personal mental health battle I’ve faced and overcome, its a journey every father who’s been denied access goes down. Some let it control their lives from that point on, some battle it for years and find a way to live with it without ever truly filling the void, and others deny it ever happened and erase it from their conscience until the subject is brought up. I’ve been through all three but having now not seen my daughter for nearly 3 years I can honestly say I am mentally in the best place I am ever likely to be in.
How? I have witnessed countless friends become different people because of their experiences of parental alienation; from turning to drink or drugs, to depression, and changing into somebody they don’t want to be. I can look back in anger and say I would’ve done things differently but I reached a point now where I can control how I see the situation. Of course I would still jump at the chance to see my daughter, as anybody who’s been through it would, but I cannot change that. I hold my head high and say I did everything I could in court and outside of it to change that, and I would always recommend any father does that as a first step, but I’ve learnt I can’t. If you can’t change the situation, no matter how much you want to, you must adapt to it.
Obviously adapting to life without your child/children is hard, I cannot understate just how hard it is to grieve them, but you have to for the long game. There has to be an end point, and for many fathers they wait for the day when their child seeks them out when they grow older and understand the situation more. As much as you can’t control the years you’ll miss in between, you have to look at what you can control, what will they find when they look for answers? The man their mother has always said you where? A drunk? A shadow of the man you can and used to be? Or the man they want, the one they remember, the father they want, and somebody they will never disconnect with again. That’s what you can control and what you can fight for, is to be the best damn person you can be for them and that they deserve. A certain atonement, a path which leads you to be a better version of yourself, because that is ultimately what will decide if you are their dad in 5/10/15 years time when they find you.
So that’s what I’ll do between now and then, become the best version of me. Have the self-confidence and drive to achieve it and then you’ll know when they come knocking you’ll be able to be the parent of of us want to be.
A Forgotten father 